Grammar Gandu Hoga Tera Baap

I mean the title quite literally. Every time you mock a sad sort on the internet for their poor grammar skills, you invariably insult somebody from your family, assuming you're Indian and your parents or grandparents have grown up in this country and aren't exactly Shakespearean thugmeisters. Not everybody went to good schools and they all don't have access to great reading lists. Every time you hate on someone with poor English, you look like a stupid person yourself. Why? Because, you've quite obviously forgotten that this is India and English isn't supposed to be our first language. So chill the fuck out. If bad grammar bothers you, get off the internet and go read Classic Literature!

What does Grammar Nazi even mean? You want to asphyxiate someone because they said "I'm a engineer". That sounds like a tremendous life goal, I must say. And I'm just assuming, when you voluntarily title yourself as Wren & Martin that you speak impeccable English, read a lot and also wear a bowler hat to work.

What is incredible here is that most people speak dirty Hindi, mostly on purpose because that's suddenly cool but the minute you make a grammatical error in English, you might as well have bought social exile upon yourself. I'd love this entire system if even one "Grammar Nazi" spoke in Shudh Hindi as well as they claim to have mastered the English language. I can confirm that even most Europeans from countries like Germany, France etc. possess terrible English grammar and pronunciation skills. But I'm assuming when they do it, it probably counts as a sexy accent.

I can understand not wanting to get into relationships or friendships with people who aren't articulate or well-spoken but to sit around on the internet, trolling some sad boy who's just trying hard to speak the Internet language doesn't seem fair. Plus it makes you look extremely jobless. High school bullies do a better job. Next time you mock somebody publicly when they're obviously not even claiming to be great writers or orators, I'm going to climb up your windows and punctuate your life.

The Great Indian Sell-out

Hello there, regular munchkins & equally lovely new readers. I hope the New Year celebration hangover is sorted because I'm about to tell the story of the average Indian sell-out. I love that we love New Years & Christmas and even Halloween and that we embrace all these festivals with so much shiny mall-time enthusiasm. Personally, I don't let go of any opportunity to celebrate stuff. Now that I live in South India, I go around eating food off leaves for a premium price on Onam too. Festivals are just bubbly little days of union and joy. I like it.

Indians have so many festivals with so many enchanting stories behind them, that it just gets me riled up when we abandon our own celebrations in favour of western revelries that we know nothing about. How many of us know what Thanksgiving is really about? Or the ridiculously borrowed Tomatina Festival? Didn't we have Holi already? Do we really need a reason to throw tomatoes at each other? Weren't we saving that move for political speeches? I don't know why these things become cool the instant they're adapted from a western context but never "awesome" just because they're not our own desi festivals.

And I'm not saying shun western merrymaking. No sir. Stuff my face with all the plum cake in the world, please. One of my bestfriend's a Catholic and the other a Muslim. I'm stuffing my face with Biryani every Eid and chilling at the German Christmas Market, every December. They both live in London now. Swines. Miss you guys, if you're reading this.

My problem with the Sell-out Indian is when he shuns his own festivals, nay, literally bans his/ her festivals as an environmental hazard or some such pending calamity and then posts pictures of 'Halloween 2011 @ F-Bar :)' No thanks. 

When you call Diwali a massive pollutant and promoter of child-labour and then gush over the annual fireworks at Sydney Harbour, I'm not amused. Annually, they put up a gorgeous spectacle consisting more than seven tonnes of pyrotechnics at the Sydney Harbour alone, on New Years Eve. The London celebrations this year detonated an estimated 30 tonnes of equipment.Those are just the figures for two cities in the world. When Diwali rolls around, suddenly we want to take 'Say No To Firecracker' pledges and celebrate without noise pollution. Are we mentally stunted? Do we lap up all the media drama without a thought? I think the answer is Yes.

Lets talk about Holi. Generations have played Holi with "toxic" colour powder or rang and they seem fine to me. All that dry, herbal rubbish is so silly. If my Holi skin comes off before three days, I'm usually ashamed of myself. That stuff better be hardcore. Like this year, when we used printing ink and then literally peeled our faces off trying to get it off. And water wastage? Don't soak up in tubs or bubble baths either then. Its all wrong. Strangely enough, in a country where people don't have food to eat, we had tried to organize a Tomato-throwing festival inspired from the song in Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara's spanish sequence. FYI- Raw Tomatoes smell gross. I would much rather get lathered in grease and egg than let somebody rub me with Tomato pulp.

How awesome is Dusshera? We stuff three mammoth-sized figures with firecrackers and set them on fire. That is epic. Learn to appreciate the brilliance and fun, instead of taking it for granted.

All of our moral and social conscience shows up to trash our own parties, meanwhile happily promoting and spouting admiration for the same sort of show, elsewhere. Lets learn to think. Lets let our future generations have a fair chance to celebrate their festivals. I want to preserve my culture. And I want my kids to go to Amrita Christina Seth's house for Christmas and Omar Khurshid's house for Eid. But I also want them to burst a tonne of gunpowder laden sky shooters without being made to feel guilty.

Don't be a sell-out to new fads and theories, bro. Its not cool.

 Also, Lohri di lakh lakh vadaaiyan to my punjabi & non-punjabi peeps, in advance. 

The brilliant New Years Eve celebration at the London Eye. Worth a watch.