Life skills for the ladies

Hello. I'm going to write a Pro-tip series. I think I can write a Pro-tip series if there can be a Lajpat Nagar Pro-tip series. I mean what's up with that? There's only one pro-tip you need with respect to Lajpat Nagar- Leave. For the uninformed, Pro tips are those really cool poster tips that started with BroTip and HoeTip. Then facebook's new photo sharing fad decided we needed DPS tips, Hyderabad Tips, Delhi Tips & so on and so forth. This is only with respect to my specific timeline. I'm sure there are more annoying & relevant ones in your facebook galaxies.

So here are my Pro-Tips:

 #1 Stop giggling, ladies. Stop giggling unnecessarily. Stop giggling at everything men say. It makes life hard for the genuine ones. It also distorts their perception of womankind and you are responsible for that.

 #2 Don't try to get Men to pay for everything. If you can't afford it, don't eye it. If he's not your husband, he doesn't owe you gifts. You're just giving him leverage for any future fiascos.

 #3 Read good books & watch good movies. Try to not base your life on Twilight. Books bring substance. Pick up Pride & Prejudice instead.

 #4 Listen, I've heard all about how all of you are fantastic cooks but I don't think I've ever eaten such fabulous food at anyone's house. That's why we're always chilling at cafes, right? Don't pretend to be a domestic goddess. If he's marrying you because you promise to be a Nigella Lawson in the making, he's not worth it anyway. The solution is to promise your trusty house-help as part of the dahej.

 #5 Be self-sufficient. Everybody likes a damsel in distress but don't actually be one. What if you actually get into serious distress & there's no hero around? Know your basics: Be well-educated, know how to drive, know the safe hang-out places, always know who's your ride back, keep the best take-out menus etc. If you really must do the Damsel-in-distress act, use your natural flaws to that advantage. For example- I am an accident waiting to happen. 2 years- 2 broken wrists & the same knee cap dislocated twice. So I have to genuinely, honestly be walked across the road, up the stairs, around slippery floors etc. Advantage your flaw, ladies. Although I've been told by the parents that if I break another bone, they won't take me to a doctor or get me medical help. So I have to be ridiculously careful now, because that's a legitimate warning this time.

#6 Attention isn't important. Think about it. It doesn't earn you money. It doesn't help your career and it doesn't help you snag Gerard Butler. These are my life goals. If being an attention-whore is in line with your goals, go ahead. Like if you want to be a B-grade Bollywood starlet or an MTV VJ, please go ahead with that life. Otherwise, try and be yourself. Life is more comfortable that way.

#7 Never date anyone who treats you less than you deserve to be treated. If you're used to a certain level of graciousness, maintain it. The only one who can lower your standards is you.

#8 Grooming. Just cover your basics, girls. KNAIMEAN? Hygiene, cleanliness, regular maintenance. Smell good. Brush your hair etc. Know your procedures.

#9 EMOSHUNS: Shun those emotions. Nobody needs to know that you're psychotic. Save the full disclosures. Everyone is allowed one terrifying & possessive act. Get yours over with, as soon as possible. Be chill, bro. Indifference rattles up the men.

#10 Be fun. I don't mean Vodka fun. I mean real fun. Be good at conversation and verbal volleyball. Get a hobby. Go bowling. Watch a sport. Please actually know your sport though. Dont "OMG, that team with Cristiano Ronaldo" please. Diversify, my friend. Hold your own. Until later -Your Internet Mom

Blood Bros.

Hello there, after fairly fucking long. I've been meaning to write for quite a while but I've been caught up trying to get a career & then busy trying to settle into it. I'm a banker & other things now. Its a dream come true! No, I'm kidding. What kind of insane child dreams of becoming a banker? This is an incidental little break, but I'm bloody thankful for it.


I have no topic for this blogpost currently, but I promise that I will have one by the end of this paragraph. I think I've also been delaying writing because my blog got quite a hike in viewership & I've been just been scared that it may not be as popular as that one swingin' Delhi post. But that's alright & I'm just going to write because of the reason I wrote my first blogpost. Because I had to write for my own reasons.

I recently moved back to Delhi after my MBA and realized that I do belong here, warts and all. Its been almost seamless to move back in with the parents. There's my topic I think. I'd like to write about parents. See? I never disappoint.

My parents are such cool cats. They work so hard & party moderately harder and my dad will complain about how his friends never let him go home early & he needs to work the next day, but they're still never home before 3 am, which I'm not even allowed to do. If you're reading this mum, I'm taking it up on Sunday.

The siblings are also clued into my twitter account and then they read out my tweets (no lies) to the parents and mock me for being a ridiculous uncool twat. But I know you're secretly my fans, fuckers.

All the bullshit aside, I would've been nothing without my parents. I wouldve never read my first Harry Potter if my mother had not thrown it in my lap saying "I hear its good" and I would've driven like a typical woman if my dad hadn't said "Everyone drives. Even dumb american girls. No fear or hesitation. Its nothing." I would've never had my job or my values or my temperament (damn that though) or my fabulous fucking hair (thanks Dad for beating mum's genes on that one) without them.

I don't know why kids these days rant when parents bring them the wrong sort of pizza or a cheaper model mobile phone. The minute I got my first pay cheque is when I realized I don't even want to spend on myself, let alone on others. I applaud parents worldwide for being able to fund us for so long. Its ridiculously tough. Hey junior Kapoors, you'll get your presents, don't worry. I'm not a miser.

My parents know everything from general knowledge to health to education to nightclubs and drugs & its unbelievably hard to lie to them. I gave up long back. Infact, they can hear me over the phone and know that something is wrong when I don't even know it, myself. We have our disagreements, but if we can sort them out with our boyfriends/ girlfriends, I think I could atleast try with my parents.

All families go through rough patches and someone is always going through a hormonal daze but I think the important bit is to not give up. Someone's going to put you through hell anyway, might as well be your own blood. I don't think there's anything worth fighting for other than your family. Not just against outsiders but also for each other. To keep it together. Whether you live in the same space or away from each other, its important to acknowledge, if not love for parents, then the fact that you're all made out of each other.
Yuck.

Hey parents, if you think this was a cunning attempt at raising the curfew, you are totally right!